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INFIDELITY Part 6 – The essence of infidelity is boundary-transgression

Updated: Jun 20, 2022

Infidelity it’s not about sex, not even a love story, it goes beyond... it’s about feeling alive. The meaning behind the words feeling alive actually goes beyond just sex… it’s about trespassing one’s own limitations, the boundaries of the life that one has lived, the constraints of the marriage that one is in, the mortality knocking on the door. The essence of infidelity is transgression.

It’s actually about breaking rules, including ones’ own rules, internal and external. And that power of transgression actually leads people to feel alive, free, bold, and autonomous.

When you have an affair, when you cheat, you do something that is just for you, and you know that you’re not taking care of anybody else, not being a good citizen, a good wife/husband and not being responsible.

It is about acting out outside the relationship what we do not dare to live inside the relationship, because of fear of losing the love, the stability, the financial security, etc..

Outside the relationship we live what we supposedly don't (can't) have
Daniela Zambrana Couples Coaching

And it is actually very simple: Relationships start at the boundary. And boundaries are not set outside; they start within, in the place of contact with yourself. In order to experience real contact, it's necessary for me to be aware of my longing for being with somebody and on the same time, I also need to be aware of my holding back, my fears of deep true connection. We heal ourselves and the other at contact, at the boundary. We often confuse contact with togetherness or closeness. In the latter, usually one of the persons (or both) loses themself to be in contact. Contact is created when both people are more of themselves and desire to meet the other in their reality, in their truth. Real contact can only happen between separate beings, always requiring independence and always risking losing oneself in the union. So, all the talk about daring to live our truth inside the relationship (in order not to need to look outside for the missing part), often boils down to the simple act of expressing our “NO” and our “YES”. Easier said than done. In order to find the real NO, we need to find the real YES and vice versa. Vulnerability is the willingness to say NO; the strength I need in order to say NO to how the other wants me to be. And the incapacity to say NO has often to do with the fear of losing control. If the other wants me to do something and I say YES (even though I don’t want to) at least I am in control: I know how the other is going to feel, what the result is going to be, what I can expect from the outcome and I even know how I am going to feel. If I would risk to say NO, I am losing control because I don’t know how the other is going to react and how I am going to feel depending on their reaction. So, to express the NO is not only about the fear of rejection, abandonment or humiliation, it’s also about the fear of losing control. So at the end it’s about trusting the other and life. And there the circle closes: we don’t dare to express our NO, so we betray ourselves in the first place; and once we have betrayed ourselves, it’s a small step and a matter of time to betray the other. In short, protecting my boundaries is fulfilling my needs. And what is our deepest need in life? Connection. Yes, connection with partner, connection with other beings and connection with life... to feel the reality, the life force that flows through me… Our greatest longing as human beings is to feel life flowing through our bodies and giving our souls wings and expression. Questions for Reflection

  • What parts of yourself are you not living and expressing in your relationship? What fears, shames, anxieties, worries, joys, life and sexual desires do you not share with your partner?

  • Do you find it easy to feel and express your needs? Or are you more accustomed to feeling each other's needs and doing something to satisfy your partner?

  • What expectations does your partner have of you? What expectations do you have of your partner?

  • What parts of you that you don't get from your partner do you satisfy outside of your relationship?

  • In what situations do you not express your "YES" or "NO" to create "false" trust/security? What are you trying to control?

What’s next? In the next article we will dive deeper into the topic of trust. We will see in what way the ignorance of our real needs and the lack of expression of vulnerability creates relationships based on a "false self". If you liked it... Subscribe! If you want to receive more information about these topics, sign up for my newsletter here. Feel free to check out my YouTube channel on body-oriented and neurosensory coaching. Sources / Reading suggestions

  • Erena Bramos Teaching on “Boundries” at the Core Energetic Institute Greece


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